Lele in transition

  From the outside, my life looked exactly how I once wanted it to be. I had a family. A stable job. A loving husband. Good health. No major problems. A good life. A safe life. And still, something felt… off. Not wrong. Just incomplete. It wasn’t loud. It didn’t disrupt anything. It was quiet. Subtle. Easy to ignore. But it stayed. For a long time, I pushed it away. Because how could I want more when I already had so much? It felt ungrateful just to think it. But the feeling didn’t leave. It showed up in small ways. In the way I looked at my life and felt like I was watching it repeat itself. In the way I started thinking about the future—not just for my daughter, but for myself. I began to realize that what once felt like enough… no longer was. Not because my life was lacking. But because I was changing. I’ve always been someone who values stability. Routine. Predictability. A life that feels safe and under control. And for a long time, that wa...

  Not long ago, a coworker once told me: “You’ll only know what true happiness is after you have a child.” At the time, I didn’t take it too seriously. It even sounded a little presumptuous. Happiness is relative, I thought. Today, I understand exactly what she meant. Motherhood took a lot from me. That’s a fact. It took my sleep. My free time. My spontaneity. The quiet mornings. The slow Sundays. The version of life that used to revolve around me. But motherhood gave me something I didn’t even know I was missing. It gave me a strength I didn’t know I had. The ability to endure, to adapt, to keep going even when I felt completely exhausted. It made me grow. It made me more patient, more aware, more human. And above all, it gave me love. A kind of love I had never experienced before. Deep, raw, overwhelming, and real. Of course, it hasn’t been easy. There were long nights filled with crying that I couldn’t soothe. Tantrums that tested every bit of m...

  I really believed I was doing everything right. I thought being a good partner would be enough for a marriage to work. I thought marriage was about doing everything right. Keeping the house clean. Cooking. Being kind. Being easy to live with. Less than a year into marriage, my husband was already uncertain. Unhappy in ways I didn’t fully understand. He said I was distant. Cold. That I didn’t really connect. My routine was always the same — I would come home tired from work, take a shower, make dinner, eat something, and go to bed with a book or watch an episode of a series. “How was your day?” became a formality. Something we said, not something we felt. And I couldn’t see the problem. In my mind, I was doing everything right. The house was clean. Meals were made. Life was organized. So I thought, how is this not enough? But it took me time to understand something simple and uncomfortable: What was enough for me wasn’t enough for him. The life I had built ...

  I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ll try not to make this story sound like a fairy tale — though, honestly, it probably is. The first time I saw Leo, he had no idea I existed. I was walking our family dog when I noticed a car parked outside our house. I didn’t think much of it. Then I saw him at the bar next door. Tall. A prominent nose — which, to this day, I find incredibly charming. I remember thinking, Hmm… interesting. The next night, I had a dream. I was being attacked on a beach by a group of men. It was terrifying. Then someone came out of the water and saved me. I couldn’t see his face — just the presence, the protection. A few days later, I saw Leo again at that same bar. And something about that dream lingered. This time my mom was with me. I pointed discreetly and said, “Mom, look — that’s the guy I told you about. Isn’t he handsome?” She glanced over. “Yeah, I guess.” That was it. I was smitten. She was nonchalant. I hadn’t had a real crush since hig...

  I woke up at 4 a.m. on July 9th, 2021, with the feeling that I was peeing. Instantly, I knew: my water had broken. I was 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I thought, “Today she’s coming.” I got up and took a shower. Strangely, I was calm. Happy, but trying not to let anxiety take over. I woke Leo up and he asked if we should go to the hospital right away. I told him he could have his coffee calmly. There was no need to rush. I still believed I had some control over what was about to happen. Cecília’s hospital bag was ready. Mine was almost ready. At 5:30 a.m., I texted my mom to let her know we were heading to the hospital. At 6 a.m., we left home. By 6:30, I was at the front desk saying my water had broken. Paperwork. Questions. Blood pressure. Oxygen levels. They asked if I had eaten. I hadn’t. I thought it was better not to — as if that could prepare me for the unknown. Then came the cervical exam. My God. That was when the real journey began. It hurt. A lot more than I expe...

  Why I’m Returning to Writing at 44 When I first had the idea for this blog, I was a different woman. I was 29, full of plans and dreams, excited about moving back to my home country carrying what I believed were new layers of wisdom and experience. I felt more mature, more prepared, better equipped for life. Looking back now, I can see I was a little naïve — but that realization came slowly. I went through a heartbreak. I realized I didn’t have as much professional experience as I thought I did. Having earned a degree abroad and learned another language didn’t automatically place me on some higher level. I was simply another candidate in the job market, and I would have to start from the bottom, gain real experience, and build my way up. That was the first shock. But I didn’t curl up and stay there. I chose to see the end of that relationship as a blessing in disguise. I worked. I learned. I stayed humble. I changed jobs, climbed step by step, and eventually began to feel pro...

Oh my goodness, would you believe if I told you that I have completely forgotten about this blog? Why on earth?! I really wish I had continued this, that I had wrote more, even if about stupid things, but I gotta tell ya, I´m feeling real glad re-reading all my 5 posts and going like "what was I thinking?". LOL. Seriously, it´s funny. I guess I was naive or didn´t really have an identity, maybe I was trying to find myself. Or maybe I was just trying to put my thoughts in writing, like a little journal. I don´t know... But I guess it was enough to make me want to write today. Do people still do that? Blog? Or is it just vlog now that´s more interesting or going on tik tok and I guess shout to the world whatever nonsense. I don´t know, I´m old fashioned, I don´t even have a tik tok account. I like to write. So, lets see, where to begin...   Ok, it´s been 8 years since I last posted anything. We´ve been through a pandemic, so there was life before that and life after that. Yes, ...

You know when you catch yourself remembering things from 20 years ago or from when you were a kid (in my case, over 20 years ago)? It´s good, right? Some things are good and worth remembering, others not so much, but the nostalgic feeling usually is followed by the certainty that things were so much easier back then, that life was less complicated and you normally wish you could go back and relive it all over again, or wish that maybe it was all the same today. Well... but have you tried watching old home videos from that time? Like, of course if you have those or your parents, make some time to just completely stop your life and literally travel back down memory lane. It was exactly what I did yesterday, not that I didn´t have anything better to do, I just chose to lie down in front of the TV and watch old family videos from 1996 to 2000 when I was at the prime of my teenager years, mostly from when I was 15 to 18 years old and my little sister was a baby, 0-3 year-old. Yes, the vid...

Okay, so maybe I'm 3 years behind, but I guess that pretty much sets the tone for what happened in my life these past 3 years. A lot! Let's start at the beginning. I did not follow through with the P90x program, like I had mentioned on my last post (remember that?). And I will explain why... ... Wow, 7 years and 3 months later, here I am (the small paragraph I had written previously was really 4 years ago, so I decided to leave it just for reference and drama)... I completely abandoned this blog which is sad because I thought it was so cool when I first came up with the idea of it, but I guess that´s what it was, I loved the idea but my heart wasn´t really on it. Life got in the way, and let me tell you, it really did. Who cares, right? It´s been too long, so just forget about it. All right, hold your horses. I´ll make a long story short and it´s my blog, I want to write it and I felt like doing it today. So, bear with me. Please? Where should I begin? May I just say that i...

      So because I'm moving back home, and it's spring now in Brazil with summer coming soon, I decided to start a new routine of exercises and diet. Not only because of that, I'm also a little unhappy with my figure, and even though I'm at a "normal" weight, I feel it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds and gain a little self-esteem. For those who know me, I'm always unhappy with the way I look, always complaining about something, feeling fat, and ugly and whatnot. And the worst of it is, I hate being so cliche, but it's part of my personality I guess. I do watch what I eat, most of the time, and I try to exercise (I go to the gym at least once a week, I know, sad...) even though I hate it. But sometimes you come to a point where you either do something about it, or stop the bitching! I decided to do something, since I've always wanted to look fit, and not feel embarrassed to wear a bikini, especially when I LOVE the beach. It's my favorite...

      First I need to apologize for not posting my first blog on the 10th, which is exactly 30 days from my trip, I had everything nice and typed, but never got a chance to do it. And it would totally mess up the whole story if I had changed it to post it correctly. So, I'm sorry...        But that explains the reason behind the post for today. How time is going by so fast and I'm finding less and less of it to get done everything I need to. Starting with my job. I do have a job, by the way, and right now I am completing my 30 days notice. I still have to finish some tasks before my last day, which will be on the 29th of this month, and here I am, writing this post.        Moving is not an easy thing to do, even if you're going from one street to the next, let alone going to another country. There are things that need to be taken care of, like cancellation of credit cards, closing bank accounts, cance...

       Today starts the count down for my new life. In a month I'll be going back , moving back in fact, to my hometown in Brazil, to my parents house, to make matters worse! No, that's an exaggeration, since I'm going on my own will and I actually am looking forward to this.        But before I go on about my last days on Uncle Sam soil (that kind of sound eerie), I should say, the last days anticipating my moving, let me tell you a little bit about my life here, and my decision to go back.        In 2001, I was 19 years old, at the prime of my party years, living in my hometown in Brazil, called Vila Velha in the state of Espirito Santo (a little state right above Rio, for those that don't have a clue, and you can always Google map it, or not). Anyways, I had this mediocre job as administrative assistant/secretary/do-it-all, in this small office. The hours weren't so bad, I only worked 6 hours a da...