You know when you catch yourself remembering things from 20 years ago or from when you were a kid (in my case, over 20 years ago)? It´s good, right? Some things are good and worth remembering, others not so much, but the nostalgic feeling usually is followed by the certainty that things were so much easier back then, that life was less complicated and you normally wish you could go back and relive it all over again, or wish that maybe it was all the same today.
Well... but have you tried watching old home videos from that time? Like, of course if you have those or your parents, make some time to just completely stop your life and literally travel back down memory lane. It was exactly what I did yesterday, not that I didn´t have anything better to do, I just chose to lie down in front of the TV and watch old family videos from 1996 to 2000 when I was at the prime of my teenager years, mostly from when I was 15 to 18 years old and my little sister was a baby, 0-3 year-old. Yes, the videos were all about her, she is the new generation baby of my family. My mom had accidentally gotten pregnant when she was 34 and I was 14. The pregnancy was a scare at first but when my sister was born, it became the joy we didn´t even know it was missing in our lives. She was the cutest baby ever and I´m not affirming this because I´m biased, she just really was. She still is a very pretty young woman today, at 22. God bless her.
But back to the videos and to what inspired me write today, was the feeling or mixture of emotions that took over me. First of all, there were the images of those that no longer live between us like my dearest aunt and uncle and watching them on camera brought back this sad and longing feeling, wishing so bad that they were still alive. The second thing was our house, our very modest, humble and really impoverished home, materially speaking, however so full of life and happiness. My mom was so young and so skinny, not that she is fat today, but she is 56 now and naturally her body isn´t the same anymore. And of course, finally, there it was, the young version of myself in all my youth, baby-fat face and really long curly hair. I was always a little introverted and shy (mild case) and didn't get too comfortable in front of a camera, it was as if my face was always burning red (and to think my childhood dream was to become an actress). But looking at it today, at me then, I could´t help but feel so bad for that girl (me). I felt sorry for her and I know that´s weird, but I felt terrible for feeling sorry for myself, for that girl that no longer exists because I realized how much I´ve changed and worst, I realized how little I have changed. So I cried. I cried copiously and I didn't even know for sure why, but I guess for a moment, I wish that she had had a better life, that she didn´t have to go through so much, that she had being smarter at the way she handled things and the paths she chose for herself. I wish I could go back and whisper in her ears: "Hey girl, are you sure that´s what you want to do? That´s who you wanna be? Be careful now, or you will suffer the consequences later. Trust me, I know."
Oh well, it was definitely weird but in the end it was great watching it all and there was definitely some good laughs too. It made me realize how much I have to be grateful for in my life and cherish everything. Today I can say that I´m not rich (far from it. Really, really far), but I live in a much better house, and we have a better income and better stuff, a better life so to speak. And no, I do not wish I could relive it all again or that things were the same. What I want now more than anything is to spend as much time as possible with my family, my mom, my sister, my step dad, my aunt, uncle and cousins, because God only knows how much time I will have left with them. Oh, and also, I´ll try to record everything on video camera and save it so that maybe I can travel back in time again in another 20 years.
Here´s hoping.
L
Well... but have you tried watching old home videos from that time? Like, of course if you have those or your parents, make some time to just completely stop your life and literally travel back down memory lane. It was exactly what I did yesterday, not that I didn´t have anything better to do, I just chose to lie down in front of the TV and watch old family videos from 1996 to 2000 when I was at the prime of my teenager years, mostly from when I was 15 to 18 years old and my little sister was a baby, 0-3 year-old. Yes, the videos were all about her, she is the new generation baby of my family. My mom had accidentally gotten pregnant when she was 34 and I was 14. The pregnancy was a scare at first but when my sister was born, it became the joy we didn´t even know it was missing in our lives. She was the cutest baby ever and I´m not affirming this because I´m biased, she just really was. She still is a very pretty young woman today, at 22. God bless her.
But back to the videos and to what inspired me write today, was the feeling or mixture of emotions that took over me. First of all, there were the images of those that no longer live between us like my dearest aunt and uncle and watching them on camera brought back this sad and longing feeling, wishing so bad that they were still alive. The second thing was our house, our very modest, humble and really impoverished home, materially speaking, however so full of life and happiness. My mom was so young and so skinny, not that she is fat today, but she is 56 now and naturally her body isn´t the same anymore. And of course, finally, there it was, the young version of myself in all my youth, baby-fat face and really long curly hair. I was always a little introverted and shy (mild case) and didn't get too comfortable in front of a camera, it was as if my face was always burning red (and to think my childhood dream was to become an actress). But looking at it today, at me then, I could´t help but feel so bad for that girl (me). I felt sorry for her and I know that´s weird, but I felt terrible for feeling sorry for myself, for that girl that no longer exists because I realized how much I´ve changed and worst, I realized how little I have changed. So I cried. I cried copiously and I didn't even know for sure why, but I guess for a moment, I wish that she had had a better life, that she didn´t have to go through so much, that she had being smarter at the way she handled things and the paths she chose for herself. I wish I could go back and whisper in her ears: "Hey girl, are you sure that´s what you want to do? That´s who you wanna be? Be careful now, or you will suffer the consequences later. Trust me, I know."
Oh well, it was definitely weird but in the end it was great watching it all and there was definitely some good laughs too. It made me realize how much I have to be grateful for in my life and cherish everything. Today I can say that I´m not rich (far from it. Really, really far), but I live in a much better house, and we have a better income and better stuff, a better life so to speak. And no, I do not wish I could relive it all again or that things were the same. What I want now more than anything is to spend as much time as possible with my family, my mom, my sister, my step dad, my aunt, uncle and cousins, because God only knows how much time I will have left with them. Oh, and also, I´ll try to record everything on video camera and save it so that maybe I can travel back in time again in another 20 years.
Here´s hoping.
L
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